Scorecard

Colchester Lions v Eight Ash Green Cricket Club PieRates XI on Wed 13 May 2015 at 18:00
Eight Ash Green Cricket Club Won by 13 runs

Match report A sunny but somewhat nippy evening greeted the PIErates on arrival at Uni of Essex to play social side “Colchester Lions”. Meanwhile “El Presidenté” Richard Parker’s heart sank deep into the hull of his sub-woofer fitted PIErate galleon (green landrover) at the prospect of another fine leg to fine leg game, the rest of the team were buoyed by the prospect of earning their Wednesday evening pie playing cricket. What was more, the Green looked to have put out a strong side, albeit a little heavy on the batting and Richard Parker sides. We also welcomed a few PIE guzzling debutants in Ollie Lovejoy and EAG stalwart Adey Sampson.

Let’s get down to how this “strong” team performed then. Captain Woodhouse won the toss and elected to bat first thinking of the light and dew coming down onto the field later on; Matt Parker had also intimated via his anus (difficult to tell where that is at times) in the car that his diarrhoea from the first game had returned, so a swift victory was desirous for all involved.

In strode openers Steve Nunn, (having mugged the team off for the two prior games on sub-diarrhoeal excuses of failed driving test and hockey match) and “fat”, “sky high BMI”, “lumpy” Luke SeaHorse. Once Luke had had a quick rest having walked all the way to the wicket, the game was afoot. Steve, whilst initially misjudging a few balls that left skid marks Matt Parker would be proud of, began to punish anything remotely short with customary elegance and poise despite the now audible panting and rivine of sweat snaking down the pitch from the non-strikers end following each single.

The perpetrator, “G Keyball” as he is known to the evening league secretary was not to last long as he chipped the first long-hop that arrived to him to the surprisingly grippy mid-wicket fielder. The team, for the most part in mourning for his wicket were at least happy he had lost some weight from his batting ego, if not his arteries.

Next man in, smoked kipper Tony Lee looked eager to get things moving quickly, rocking back in his crease to his first ball - a literal half tracker - and creaming it just in front of square… into the nonchalantly extended hand of grippy mid-wicky again. Unlucky Tony.

Next man Jordan Ellis - now pending membership to the MCC he has played the game for so long - creamed a lovely pull shot for four off another short ball, keeping out the deceptively quick bowling for a short while before the bails inevitably tumbled down onto the turf. Keep it up Jordan, out-scoring Luke Greaseble in the form of his life is no mean feat!

Ollie Lovejoy then showed everybody how to bat in a T20 game, scrupulously watching the ball off a capricious pitch all the way onto the bat, standing still and playing each ball on its merit almost entirely along the ground. Apart from the last one… holed out at long-off for an excellent 58.

Adey Sampson showed good promise after a lengthy period out of the game, keeping the rapidly unfastening threads of the game together despite running Matt Norris out without facing a ball… Unlucky Matt.

A useful 30 runs at the end from Charlie Lovejoy, Andrew Woodhouse and what most likely was the best shot Matt Parker has ever hit through the covers in his life – allegedly shit free. This left the PIErates with a total of 145 for 9 to defend.

The PIErates’ bowling display lived up to the team namesake – pies, pies and more pies… and some inevitable shit from Matt Parker (oral, projectile and rectal).

Matt, in fact continued his impressive run of bowling form, hitting the pitch hard with his opening over for few runs. This feat could not be replicated by captain Woodhouse who could not stop bowling full tosses, most of which unbelievably rolled for singles.

An incredible long-range direct hit affirmed Matt Norris as the EAG fielder supreme at the moment to remove their number 1 who was rapidly ascending past 25 off only a few overs.

Captain took himself off after the 1st over nobly only to be replaced by more filth from opening overs from Charlie Lovejoy and Steve Nunn. Lovejoy did pick up his act however as his mind drifted away from Tony Lee’s next gag about his girlfriends surname (it’s Cock by the way, I envy anyone just hearing this for the first time) bowling a very awkward line and length for the batsmen to get him away.

Some lusty blows from a couple their numbers 2 and 5, compounded by the falling cold and damp suppressed morale somewhat during the middle overs. Their number 2, beginning to score heavily and who could well have finished the PIErates off was removed LBW by the now infamous rocket-ball flipper from the very cramped armoury of captain Woodhouse.

Reasonable death bowling by Norris and Matt Parker was enough to bail out the PIErates' rapidly filling vessel despite the un-pluggable run leak through Ollie Lovejoy's gloves throughout the innings.

Having eventually won the game by 13 runs, the PIErates returned to loiter beside Richard Parker’s ‘Black (green) Boar’ Land Rover, to feast on cold pie and Boddingtons.

I must take this opportunity to thank Richard who alongside Adey stepped in to play at the last minute making up the 11 and demonstrating considerable commitment to the club.

Next week, we play a merged cup fixture from the Sunday league with local rivals West Bergholt so come up and support us… there’s a lovely cheap pie and pint deal in it for you! Also you can spectate on the Clegg-Cameron style power struggle as Steve and Woodhouse wrestle over the captaincy..! See you there!

Eight Ash Green Cricket Club PieRates XI Batting
Player Name RunsMB4s6sSRCtStRo
extras
TOTAL :
1nb 10w 3b 2lb 
for 9 wickets
16
145		        
Steve Nunn ct Sarwar b Lasse 26
Luke Keeble ct M Butt b S Khan 0
Tony Lee ct M Butt b S Khan 0
Jordan Ellis b M Butt 5
Ollie Lovejoy ct Sarwar b Lasse 58
Adrian Sampson b Lasse 8
Matt Norris Run out  0
Charlie Lovejoy Run out  14
Andrew Woodhouse b Sarwar 11
Matt Parker Not Out  6
Richard Parker  

Colchester Lions Bowling

Player nameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Sarwar4.0034134.008.50
S Khan1.001226.0012.00
M. Butt3.0027127.009.00
Lasse4.0035311.678.75
Z Ahmed3.002300.007.67

Colchester Lions Batting
Player name RMB4s6sSR
extras
TOTAL :
2nb 11w 9b 6lb 
for 5 wickets
28
132 (15.0 overs)		     
S Pillala run out Norris 20
F Mortaza lbw Woodhouse 34
K Jayasinghe ct & b C Lovejoy 1
Zubsir ct Ellis b Woodhouse 4
Lasse Not Out  22
Shan ct O Lovejoy b O Norris 0
Muzmil Not Out  7
   
   
   
   

Eight Ash Green Cricket Club PieRates XI Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Matt Parker4.0024124.006.00
Andrew Woodhouse4.0037218.509.25
Charlie Lovejoy4.0021121.005.25
Steve Nunn1.001400.0014.00
Matt Norris2.0019119.009.50

  • Umpire :
    Richard Parker
  • Scorer :
    Anybody know anyone?