Nowton v Eight Ash Green Cricket Club Two Counties 1st XI on Sat 15 Aug 2015 at 13:00
Eight Ash Green Cricket Club Won By 8 Wickets

Match report Some context to start with.
EAG needed to win this game to secure promotion; Nowton, now desperate to win the league had convincingly beaten the Green on their home soil a few weeks before. The match was poised to make history one way or another and El Presidenté Richard Parker had made the journey in pirate galleon to spur the team on.

The sun draped itself over eager EAG players on the long journey up to Nowton which upon arrival made the pitch look fit for batting. Even grass, getting drier by the moment as well as the prospect of a heavily biased Richard Parker umpiring one end.

Nowton denied the request by (w)Ally Hammond for RP to umpire and EAG were sent out to bowl first. Simple.

Ally Hammond had clearly been dreaming about Jamie Murray encouraging his every move during the night as he was insistent that the green were quiet despite what most considered ample decibel output. So obsessed was he with the noise levels that he had soon christened the side "the new laid back Eight Ash Green".

Something was indeed missing however in the form of the customary cascade of wickets and austere batting environment provided by openers Firmin & Goodall. It is of note though that Firmin was a little shaken from an earlier incident where Nipuna "accidentally" ran over his glasses three times with the sight-screen wheels before a ball was bowled.

Both openers were eventually removed by the deadly duo as well as no.4 Cordell who was beginning to amass a score (28). As the air was beginning to slowly ebb from the team's heretofore buoyant outlook, and Goodall began to tire in the punishing heat, captain Hammond threw the ball to 1XI mercenary Andrew Woodhouse.

A couple of fairly flat overs continued from Firm and Woodhouse with most width balls being put away despite a bit of pace in the wicket. Then, once the Woodhouse had managed to light the booze-sodden kindling of his furnaces, the cascade eventuated. Until now, the South African Nowton captain, Kretzman had looked fairly sound technically for most of his innings, but Woodhouse then angled an excellent full ball from wide of the crease right across him and snicker him off to James Parker keeping, finally a breakthrough!

Others would soon fall to Woodhouse who despite panting brain and worn joints powered through eight overs removing six batsmen in total, three of which were with short balls. The team had called these jammy long hops but Woodhouse knew that the team were in desperate need of scoring as wickets mounted faster than the runs, planting in quick short balls that were either wafted at for caught behind or skied up in the air.

Ally Hammond came on to replace Firmin and was unlucky not to get more wickets, getting the ball to bounce and turn off the wicket resulting in a few balloons just short of the fields men behind the wicket.

After an OK tea and incessant battle with the vibrant wasp population that Nowton CC seems to entertain, "brains" James Parker and a hanging from a thin thread Jack Smith took to the crease to chase Nowton's sub standard 111.

One of the opening Nowton bowlers, a tall man, Ward, had a curious cocked wrist action that clearly confirmed the prolific career that his general behaviour had suggested. Smith did not last long against him as the alcohol and thoughts of wanking caught up with him.

Enter "I swear I know how to bat" Stephen Nunn at three who did largely look good despite both batsmen almost falling to the same short ball wafts that their opponents had formerly.

Stephen and James also rode out the parrot-like verbal assaults from the Nowton players who could do with a lesson in playing in the spirit of cricket from "the new laid back Eight Ash Green". Sledges like "James isn't very good at cricket" are simply wasted on a skull as thick as his.

This attitude was also manifest in the Nowton response to Oli Firmin's decision of not out for Stephen during a quick dash between the creases. Large volumes of swear words were emitted and spittle fell on the wicket, but the artist formerly known as four-eyes Firmin was unmoving. Woodhouse umpiring at the other end and with six wickets under his belt stepped in to help the poor squinting lamb and the game continued.

Nunn was eventually bowled for 27 despite looking set but with Porky Parker now looking very comfortable, it looked inevitable that the Green would romp with the in-form and steady-kneed Alex Hammond at the crease. This speculation turned out to be true as the now silent Nowton fielders watched the grains of runs slip through their fingers along with the league victory. Unlucky guys and well done Eight Ash Green.


NB. Ally Hammond (now christened Wheelie-bin for his fielding technique by the Sunday XI) has promised to erect a statue of Andrew Woodhouse at the Green (pending council permission) to in memory of this day.

Nowton Batting
Player name RunsMB4s6sSR
2nb 5w 7b 3lb 
for 10 wickets
111 (31.3 overs)
M Caccihilli ct  J Parker b M Goodall 6
J Ridgeon ct  Alex Hammond b Firmin 0
L Kretzman ct  J Parker b A Woodhouse 25
S Cordell b  Firmin 28
D Reynolds ct  Lovejoy b Woodhouse 15
J Walker ct  Purser b Woodhouse 11
C Heaps ct  J Parker b Woodhouse 5
T Clifton ct  Firmin b Ali Hammond 4
A Ward b  Woodhouse 0
J Warton ct  Goodall b Woodhouse 0
P Tobitt Not Out  0

Eight Ash Green Cricket Club Two Counties 1st XI Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Mark Goodall8.0230130.003.75
Oli Firmin11.0240220.003.64
Andrew Woodhouse8.321863.002.12
Alastair Hammond4.0013113.003.25

Eight Ash Green Cricket Club Two Counties 1st XI Batting
Player Name RMB4s6sSRCatchesStumpingsRun outs
6w 1b 8lb 
for 2 wickets

(31.5 overs)
Jack Smith ct  T Clifton b Walker 0
Stephen Nunn b  Reynolds 27 5
James Parker Not Out  49 8 4
Alex Hammond Not Out  21 4 1
Alastair Hammond  
Oli Firmin   1
Mark Goodall   1
Nipuna Ukwatte  
Charlie Lovejoy   1
Jonathan Purser   1
Andrew Woodhouse  

Nowton Bowling

Player nameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
A Ward6.001900.003.17
J Walker7.0024124.003.43
J Warton6.002300.003.83
D Reynolds8.0123123.002.88
S Cordell4.011500.003.75
Photos and video of Nowton v Eight Ash Green Cricket Club Two Counties 1st XI on Sat 15 Aug 2015 at 13:00

1st XI vs Nowton

Suitably equipped in new Strident kit the 1st XI crush Nowton to go top of the table.